Yesterday, my brother was finally laid in the ground. Just my parents went to the actual burial. I am having such a hard time putting into words the way I feel. I regret not being part of Nathan's day to day life. And I wonder if he understood That even though I wasn't able to be around much, that I loved him very much. So for me I guess it's not the missing of his presence that hurts so much, it's the loss of the opportunity in the future. And I hurt for my parents.

My mom is the bravest, most couragous woman i have ever known. Her faith in God through all of this has never waivered, never blamed or pointed fingers. She has always walked in thanksgiving. She's amazing. I pray God would continue to pour out His comfort on her, that He may help her get through the next few months and all the big firsts. (first Christmas, First birthday, etc.) I praise God that He has given me a mother that I can look up to and know that as long as I set my course in the direction she's traveling I'll be on the right path. She is my beacon.

My heart is absolutely broken for Jeff. He has lost his best friend. I have so much respect for Jeff. Jeff has become such a wonderful father. I think if I could go back and change things in the past and I could pick who or what my father would be like, it would be him..... I consider myself to be a good father, but I have learned volumes about fatherhood this week from Jeff. My prayer for Jeff is that God would comfort and bring healling to the pain in his heart. The hole will never be filled, but the next chapter is about to be written, the chapter of Ethan and Olivia.

It's late. I'll write more later.

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